Kea birds hover on branches, keenly watching us in the hope afternoon tea will be secured. We leave the lunch box unattended while we watch another group and come back to find Kea birds hopping around with our fruit looking quite smug I would say. Success.
Photo from Wikipedia
Saturday gave us an opportunity to go to Willowbank Wildlife Reserve again. We love it there, it feels like my life’s dream actualised. The girl with curly hair is in her element, I wait behind with her as the rest of our family goes on to see monkeys and otters. All she wants to see is the wallabies. 40 minutes later, Sergeant comes back – “is she ready yet?”. Nope. I hide behind a tree doing squats, peeking through at her. Even 3 years old need privacy sometimes. She knows I am there. And tilts her head at me before climbing up onto a fence watching her friend. I hear her calling them and giggling. 20 minutes later I walk to her and I ask her, do you want to see the rest of the zoo before it closes or stay here? She jumps onto my back and we run up to the tortoises and ponies. The llamas all look haughtily at us and it would seem they are all ready to spit. Next the girls have donkey rides and I feel sad for the donkey as he really seems quite depressed. I make a note to only ride horses that choose to be ridden, one I am sure, can tell.
In the evening we watched part of The Woman in Black. The girl with straight hair is ill again so we turn it off and I go and sit in bed with her, I went back to turn it off and without even looking at the screen was filled with dread. I wondered if it was the association with “horror” music that caused the emotion or whether there is any truth in the research I read about frequencies. In the military apparently, heavy metal music is played because the frequency increases aggressive behaviour. Will I ever be able to answer all these questions I have?
I have applied for a part-time job, not sure how I could parent in the way I wish and earn a wage. The contract is only three months so if I am successful it could just mean that we have some savings to put aside.
I have contemplated for those who would label me as chronically depressed and hopeless an explanation of sorts. I am trying to find words; I am an introvert and a sensitive person and as I have had children who share these qualities I have grown to see them as wonderful, positive ones. Being sensitive means that you have to be a stronger person in day to day life, and are able to see others emotions and identify with them and have great insights. Things come to me intuitively and it takes me time to clarify my thoughts. After having children I came to realise that my pain and depression was not because I was wrong or ill in some way, but because I realised that the way that most of us live is not right and I fought it in a silent misunderstood way. We are living as a product of an economy and have lost our values, our traditions, our spiritual practice, our meaning. One might say but live in the real world honey, but who is one to say what is real – our experiences are based on nothing but our perceptions, What I am failing to clarify is that I believe that having loving connected relationships, both with myself, God and my family is more important than money and belongings. Conflictingly, I am also a person who appreciates beauty and need to live in an aesthetically pleasing environment. I still want to have financial security and comfort, but just enough. Ideally I see us living off the land, having a lodge and enough land to grow our own food, working enough to buy what we need. I don’t see a need to go up the economic ladder and have that focus but understand that I need to save up for all of our futures.
thebarefootchroniclesofus 
